Swipe Right

I realize that if you don’t know me personally, all you can glean about me from this blog is that

• I’ve had COVID twice

• I spend a lot of time arguing with the customer service departments of various businesses

• I’m extremely annoyed with the disproportionate emotion burden placed on women in relationships

• I’m a student and a journalist

• I really like bulleted lists

These things are all true. But they don’t paint a complete picture of me. In fact, I’m of the opinion that you can’t really get a read on me until we’ve interacted in person at least a couple of times. That’s not specific to me, I doubt you can get to know anyone super well from reading what they’ve written on the internet.

Which brings me to today’s social commentary. Dating apps. I should preface this with the fact that I have never used a dating app. However! Many of those close to me have. I’ve witnessed many a swipe during my time in college. We’ve even been known to screen share my roommate’s phone onto our TV and go through her matches on a larger screen. I feel a little guilty about this.

I’ve been in a few relationships, with varying levels of success, starting at sixteen (I don’t typically count my eighth grade relationship, as sweet as it was). I’ve been lucky enough to meet these people organically, but I know that’s hard. In such a techno-centric world, it seems like a natural progression to look for a relationship where we look for everything else: on our phones. It’s seemingly convenient and efficient and simplifies the process of having to venture out into the physical world.

But my qualm is this. Every person you meet on a dating app is less of a person and more of a data set. It seems reasonable enough to eliminate someone based on their major, their favorite artist, their shirtless photo, or the fact that they have their body count in their bio. That is, until you have to make a profile of your own. While I’m not in the market for a boyfriend (I’m quite pleased with the one I have thankyouverymuch), and I have a moral objection to Tinder, I think the real reason I don’t use dating apps is that I would suck at writing a bio.

My understanding is that you have to include:

• Some photos

  • A candid where you look really really sexy and mysterious.

  • A picture of you being super silly and a little bit ugly-hot so people know you don’t take yourself too seriously. This doesn’t work so well if you don’t have the hot part down.

  • One that shows your whole body, often in minimal clothing. NOT slut-shaming, it’s totally reasonable to want to be attracted to your partner, and therefore know what they look like. But that’s a lot of pressure!

  • Maybe a picture of you in a small group? To prove you’ve interacted with other humans before.

  • An action shot perhaps? Of you riding a horse, kicking/throwing a ball, planting a tree, saving a kitten, idk… Good luck if you only have indoor hobbies.

• What you’re looking for in a relationship. It’s good that you can be up-front and say you just want to do the nasty.

• Songs you like. I’ve noticed that these can be real deal breakers. I think I have a couple of artists that would be deal breakers for me if someone loved them.

  • Kanye (Nazi)

  • Luke Bryan (misogynist)

  • That’s all that comes to mind but I reserve the right to change my mind.

• A silly goofy bio. Spend an hour coming up with something that makes it sound like you don’t really want to be on this app anyway.

From an outsider’s perspective, that seems so overwhelming. I think if I reduced myself to some pictures, a 500 character description, and my music taste (however good it may be), I wouldn’t be terribly impressed with myself. That’s because people are more than a list of characteristics. Once you get it in your head that your partner needs to meet a laundry list of qualifications, you limit your options severely. It’s one thing to want someone in your age range, who practices your religion, or who you have common interests with. But height, sports teams, clothing choices, favorite songs and hometown don’t have to be reason enough to discard an entire person.

A huge part of the dating process, especially if your ultimate goal is a long-term relationship, is discovering what you want through trial and error. You might be surprised by what makes you feel loved, what kind of dates you like,

My boyfriend checks boxes I didn’t even know I had. Some things I’ve discovered (about myself and about him):

• We love filming fit checks. Especially if we color coordinate. Then we watch them over and over.

• Intellectual intimacy is everything to me. If we can exchange thoughts, and I feel like my ideas are validated, I feel so content.

• In the same vein, I feel so loved when we spend time understanding each other’s interests. Intentionally reading the same books or listening to the same music means a lot.

• I take pride in introducing the person I love to other people I love. I really want them to see in each other what I see in them.

• Long distance is easier if you express your feelings regularly. The longing can be very romantic if you’re not afraid to express how much you miss one another. Don’t suppress it.

• Sharing food and cooking for each other is lovely.

But more importantly than him “checking boxes” is that I love him as a whole human being. There are intangible things in relationships that you won’t find in someone’s online profile. The way you feel after spending time with someone, for example, is super important. As an introvert, I’m easily drained by social interaction, and it’s essential that my partner and I can exist in the same space without always having to talk. It’s rare to encounter someone whose presence actually gives me energy.

I wouldn’t have been able to determine any of this information from a Tinder profile. And it would’ve taken so long for us to start spending time together if there was the expectation of going through a talking stage first. To be fair, we were friends first and managed the transition to dating pretty well, when it could’ve very easily gotten well. That’s not a super realistic way to meet people. But I will always prefer organic connection to browsing the internet.

Swiping and being swiped on can also be very dehumanizing. You get used to eliminating someone as a potential partner very quickly, and therefore eliminating them as a person altogether. If you don’t want to date them, they are discarded into the infinite abyss of the internet. You rarely have this opportunity to make such snap judgements in real life. And for good reason. Imagine if you ended a conversation with someone after fifteen seconds and just walked away. Weird, right?

With all that being said, you never have to justify prioritizing your safety. You can ghost someone who is genuinely creepy. You are never obligated to meet someone in person. If you’re unsure of someone’s intentions, you’re not a baby or a loser for backing out of a date.

There is my two cents (or ten bucks at this point) on dating apps. Looking for a connection is a very worthwhile pursuit, I just worry about what we sacrifice in the process.

Regardless of how you go about it, I hope you find love.

Photo credit: Juliescribbles Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0