Girls Will Be Girls

I’ve won my tussle with COVID and live to write another blog. It passed through my system quickly, leaving relatively little damage, which I’m grateful for. Forty-eight hours after my negative test, I’m feeling pensive.

Today’s writing occurs in a busy Ellis library after a frustrating 9 a.m. class. I have less than an hour to write this before I have to go to class or my morning coffee sends me to the bathroom. Whichever comes first.

Solely because it’s a required course for my degree, I’m taking a communications and public relations class for the first eight weeks of this semester. Issues have arisen for me in the curriculum and in my research. We’ll start with the results of my google searches this week.

For an assignment, I was searching for demographic information on people in their early twenties. I was hoping for education levels, job stats, relationship statuses and philosophies on life. What I found instead was a fundamental misrepresentation of gender.

I searched “characteristics of men in their early 20s.” The first result was from another blog by someone much more established than me. I read the post titled, “Men’s Ages: What to Expect Throughout His 20’s,” and learned how I should handle dating a man in his twenties. Here’s the advice I received:

• This is a period of change for men. They’re unsettled.

• He’s doing things like getting an apartment, a job and money, which he wants to spend. It’s his goal to experience as much as possible.

Therefore, here’s what I should do if I want to date him:

• Don’t expect stability. Don’t ask for it.

• Be patient. Be much more emotionally mature than him, it’s not fair to ask him for consistency.

• If I try to control him or his lifestyle, I’ll fail.

• Don’t listen too carefully to what he says. He’s processing lots of new information and might change his mind every other week.

• Expect nothing from the experience of dating him except exactly what it is. Do not discuss the future or commitment.

Does anyone else find this laughably insane? First of all, I was looking for information on what men are like, NOT what I need to provide for them. Secondly, this is horrible advice. If I wanted to bear the entire emotional weight of a relationship and follow someone around, anticipating their needs, I’d have a baby.

The next article is from Today.com: “What men want at 20, 30 and 40.” It was written in 2001, so I read it with a grain of salt. But still, that means they’ve had 22 years to print corrections and never did. Here’s some direct quotes from the article:

• “They are physically unable to resist the urge to ogle.” WTF???

• “‘My first thought when I see a woman is, ‘Do I want to have sex with her?’ That cuts out 70 percent right away.’”

• “‘You get knocked around a few times by women with big knockers and you realize a pretty face isn't everything,’ says 27-year-old Peter, a marketing consultant.”

• “Jim, a comic, recalls, ‘When I was seven I wanted a girl who could make a good sand castle. At 17, she just had to be stacked. At 27, she couldn't want to be my wife.’”

• “They want to be nurtured…Many of them are burnt out, making tons of money and lonely as hell because they have no one to share their success.”

I won’t continue because the library is a quiet zone and I can’t read more without screaming. Who okayed publishing those quotes?

Here’s the last article of note, “What Is the Prime Age for a Man?” This is what it has to say about men:

• Boy oh boy do they like sex. This was the main point of the article. Men in their 20s? Horny as hell (excuse my vulgarity).

• They’re very immature. Don’t ask them questions unless they’re about sex.

If I were a man, this would offend me too! It’s a vicious cycle. If this is all we expect from men, there isn’t much incentive to be anything else. Stop reinforcing this idea. I have a lovely handful of 19-to-20-year-old male friends. Believe it or not, they have plenty of thoughts and hobbies that don’t revolve around sex. It’s almost the last thing we’d like to talk about together.

So those three articles were the worst. The other results included lifestyle tips for men, some real demographic info (what I was actually looking for!), and a couple articles about what women like about men.

Now let’s compare those results to what you find when you search “characteristics of women in their early 20s.” First of all, not ONE article teaching men how to manage 20-something women. Why’s that? Probably because men aren’t expected to bear much of the emotional weight of a relationship or think deeply about their partner’s psyche. (To my aforementioned male friends, please don’t be hurt by this. To my thoughtful boyfriend, this obviously does not apply to you). The rest of the articles are tips for how to be successful as a woman.

You might be thinking, these are such extreme examples. Everybody knows that’s wrong. Do they? Just thoughtfully assess the balance in your relationships (platonic or romantic) with men. Who is more intentional? Who is more consistent? I’m not hunched over my laptop, cackling and hoping you’ll come to the conclusion that men are evil. I just think it’s a topic worth thinking about.

Here are some reminders for everyone in a relationship, regardless of gender:

• You can ask for commitment. You can ask for reassurance. That’s completely reasonable. You’re not high maintenance.

• You can want a partner who is as smart as you. Or as funny as you. Or as compassionate as you. Don’t sell yourself short.

• You can call your partner on their BS. You don’t have to excuse the same mistakes and inconsiderate actions over and over. Trust your gut.

There’s my two cents. Date (or don’t date) away!